???

what shall i do with the rest of my life?

that's a depressing thought...

choices

i was not hired to be the full time receptionist. the recession happened and it was this or no job. i am sooo bored answering the phone in the same way - other than the "good morning/good afternoon" switch - that i think i'll spice it up a bit...

choice #1: use a british accent - mine is damn good.

choice #2: answer sounding like i'm pissed off, or at least too good to be answering the phone, or maybe indifferent like i just don't care, which is how many receptionists sound when i call different places

choice #3: pretend like i'm a recording...you know...press one for this, two for that, three for ???...zero for operator...yeah, i'll still have to talk to them, but at least it will break up the MONOTONY!!!

unfortunately i still need my job...for just a few more weeks hopefully. after i pass my state boards - and i find another job - i think i might try one of these options...you know, when i really am a short-timer here...

and as always, i'm open for suggestions.

side note: yes, i am thankful that i still have a job after all that went down a couple of years ago. i know many people who were not as fortunate as me, including my ex-husband who i was still married to at the time. so please, take it in the intonation it is intended...

wondering...

...as i do about so many people and things that have passed through my life. some i'm glad to be rid of, some i wish i could have kept, in some fashion or another. selfish, i know. the older i get the more i want things on my own terms. and, with the weeding out of my life the people and things that i've had to do to stay (somewhat) safe and sane also comes a bit of sorrow.

i miss you. i sent you an anonymous email today, hoping for a response, hoping for a glimpse of you that is only the parts that i loved so much. i'm doubtful that that's what i'll get in response, if i get a response at all. hey...sometimes a girl's just gotta try. it totally doesn't fit with closing myself off from the small world of people i trust, but i suppose i am ever hopeful.

the day is gray and cool, but i heard spring birds singing this past weekend in the early morning, and the cooing of a dove. daddy says that's a sure sign that spring is near. i hope so. i'm ready for some rebirth.

like i said...

dad just called (in tears) to tell me that when he was driving my daughter to school this morning she told him "you are the best pappaw in the whole world"...she's 15...it's not like she's a 5 year old...how'd i get such a sweet kid?

why is it so fucking cold in here???

this company makes millions...can't they hitch up the heat a notch or two? geesh...

i'm so sick of random niceness. i know a few people that i really believe are nice. i mean, genuinely caring people. (yeah, i know, it's probably not spelled right at times. i don't care. that's not the point, now is it?) you may say i'm a pessimist. i say i'm a realist. you may say i'm bitter. i'm not. again, i'm just being realistic. i've been burned by too many people in my life. i'm just done. i'm gullible. i'm too trusting. i've always looked for the best in people. i've stopped "looking" at people. you are or you ain't. i've tried to convince myself otherwise many times, and i should have always just listened to my gut. so just please, don't. i don't have time for bullshit and i'm oh so very tired of it...

on the flip side...i have the very best friend in the world. i'm very blessed by her. no, we're not lesbians, but if i were a man i'd marry her. i have the sweetest most awesome kids in the world too. i don't know how they got that way. i've not been the best mother. i have a very loving and caring father who lives close, and have finally started to put together a good relationship with my mother who lives far. i am blessed.

i am most always happy...on the outside. i am sometimes angry or pissed or worried about something...on the inside. but the outside doesn't usually show the inside, and i just prefer it that way. with my vbf (very best friend) we discuss these things, and we've come to terms with the fact that life isn't always easy or pretty, but we'd rather focus on the good (for the most part) than the bad. every morning when i wake up i choose to be happy. yeah, things may fall apart that day, but at the end of most days, i go to bed happy and at peace.

it's been a long process of weeding out the bullshit, and the bullshit people who seem to take great pleasure in fucking up other people's lives. i've driven myself to distraction trying to figure out why mean people are mean, but i've stopped wasting my time asking why. they just are...for whatever reason...and i have far too little time to wonder about them and why they are. i'd rather concentrate on the wonderful people and things in my life and let the mean people wallow in their own shit.

well, another lunch period has come and almost gone, and i've got cigarettes to smoke before i once again pick up the delightful task of serving the public retail sector. truly, where i work, i get to meet many delightful oldsters...i know that many people think elders are supposed to be crabby and mean, but in my experience, they are not. for the most part they are sweet and adorable, and once in a while, when i get a big toothless grin from a sweet old lady, it restores my faith in humanity, and i carry on...